I think I’ve spent so long concentrating on being published that I’ve lost the joy of writing. For the last 4 years, that’s been my goal and it still is. But its become harder and harder to sit down and write. I think I need a new goal.
For the first couple of years it was okay – I could tell myself I’m still learning the craft, I still have a long way to go. I loved playing with words, learning how to make a story work. But as I get closer to the goal of being published, and I’m still not there, it’s taking its toll. The rational side of me knows it will happen. I’ve finalled in competitions, I’ve had requests for fulls. I’m close but not quite there. Part of it is now down to luck. But with every word I write, its hard to get that out of my head. I feel like I analyse every word, every sentence, every scene. Will this be the one?
For the insecure child inside me, it almost seems futile to write. Why bother? It’ll just lead to another rejection – or worse, that dreaded silence where you submit and never get any feedback. I see friends get published – and while I’m genuinely happy for them, I will admit to a part of me having a little tantrum, stamping my foot and saying “When is it my turn?” And every time well-meaning friends and family ask how my writing is going, it’s like another knife to the heart. (And yes, I do love that they care enough to ask!) I read how-to books, I watch other people’s success and I’ve become caught up in that rush to succeed.
This last few months, I’ve been incredibly busy as well as under a lot of stress in my personal life, and writing has become another dreaded thing to stare at on my to-do list and wish it would disappear. So a week or so ago, I said enough. I’ve made the decision that I’m not worrying about writing until the New Year. 6 weeks of not having to write. I’m pretty sure I will write something in that time. I’m still journalling. The words are still there. They want to come out. But who knows what words they will be? I’m taking off the pressure of having to write and hopefully I’ll get back to the point of wanting to write again.
And yes, maybe I need a new goal.
Please feel free to share any ideas, or even commiserations!